I wish I didn't care.

I wish I could put it all behind me.

I can't believe that some stupid girl I dated for a mere 3 months could still leave this much of a scar on me.

She was ridiculous, she was stubborn, she was ignorant, she was unforgiving. Yet, she was beautiful, and perfect in every way. I wanted to hold her for every hour of the day.

And now she's gone, never coming back. All over the stupidest shit. This was so long ago too, yet with every new girl, I keep coming back to her.

The thought of another guy putting his filthy hands on her makes me sick to my stomach and makes me want to turn my room upside-down.

She's mine, she was suppose to be mine, forever. But now I'm drunk and she's with another guy. So forever is never.

No one reads xanga anymore so this is a safe way to get this off my chest. Everyone I know is so sick of her coming up in convesation, so I'm better of talking to no one.

goodbye.

Currently Listening Louder Now By Taking Back Sunday see related

Back To My Old Self

Fear not, I have returned. I know you all have been on the edge of your seats hitting the subscriptions button every day in hopes that I would grace you with another pathetic post about my life. Yea right, anyways...so life has got back to normal. The world cup is officially over and I've only now become consolable. You don't know how hard it is waiting 4 years for that thing. Imagine having to wait 4 years to watch the super bowl. Yea it would suck, thats right. Well on the bright side, no Germany, no Argentina, no Portugal, and no Brazil in the final. And before anyone says "bahhh but you had $1000 riding on Brazil winning it all", I say I don't give a baker's fuck. I would gladly give up that $1k just so I don't have to see the world's most overrated team in the final. Portugal lost, thank god, letting all of the world see what kind of diving ninny's they really are. England sucked and underachieved, but after 10 years I'm use to it, as heartbreaking as it is every time. Don't let the door hit you in the ass Sven. Germany looked good, and it pains me to say that seeing as I hate them to the death. But Italy showed them the door, and for once justice prevailed in the soccer world. Unfortuently the field didn't blow up during their 3rd place game with the Portuguese. And how about Zidane, making a class ass out of himself by bowing out at his swan song game with a head butt to Materatzie. Well played. Not how I would'a gone out at a WC final, in the last international match of my career, but thats just me.

Ok enough soccer talk, what else is going on...July 4th, I got up early and went to the parade in Coppell. No one wanted to come with me so I went by myself, yea I'm gay like that. Its just something I like to go to every year. I saw lots of little kids and their parents and it made me think about my future and how I really want to have enough money to be able to one day live in a house in Coppell. Between that and my sheer hatred I'm developing for watiting tables, I think I'm gonna have some motivation to finish school ASAP, despite what my parents think. Anyways, then we went and bought over $140 worth of fireworks, which would get us into trouble later (stay tuned). Played some volleyball with the locals at our appt. and I went over to my parents' place to watch the demise of Germany at the hands of Italy before going to the FC Dallas game. Lets not talk about that. Anyways, after cooking out at my parents' new place at Pilot Point, Cory, Robo, Laurie, and Rebekah went to light off the massive arsenal of fireworks we stock piled. Well after doing to standard bunch and getting kicked off of our first launch site, we moved to a place even more out in the sticks next to an open field, only one farm next door. So we got bored, naturally, and Cory tied 6 of the big ones that shoot in the air and go off like the ones you see at professional shows and blew them up on the ground. Well it started a little fire which wasn't a big deal seeing as we had stomped out our share already. Well this time, it was in 2 different fields and spreading fast. Before we knew it we had a good chunck of these fields on fire. We shit monkeys trying to put it out, and once we ran out of water we looked fucked. Somehow, some way we got it all out by ourselves. It was pretty scary and after that we were burned out on the fireworks thing, no pun intended.

So, I started kinda seeing this new girl at work and we messed around on the first night we hung out to my surprise. She's cool and everything but the more I hang out with her the more I see that this is going no where. It reached it's peak of weirdness this morning when we were messing around and all I could think about was Rachel and how she wasn't her. It was frustrating because that was the last thing I wanted to think about. God it sucks balls because it took me so long to stop comparing every girl I met to Amanda and now I'm gonna have that problem with Rachel too. Its like I know exactly how I felt the first night Rachel and I were together and I know if I don't feel that way then its not going to be anything special. And I know that most of you reading this will think "who the fuck cares, no every girl you see has to be a candidate for your next wife." and I agree 110% but I'm at a point in my life where I'm not ready to waste my time and money on girls who aren't that. I'm never going to attach the "gilfriend" moniker to anyone who I don't think could be the one. I use to do it so easily before her but no more. Plus Annette is coming to town this weekend and I know she really wants on me, then Cory and I are going to visit her in Padre next weekend, and I'm going into Fall semester single no matter what. Anyways, after all that brain fucking and her dog jumping on the bed every 2 seconds, I decided that I really wanted to go back to my appartment and be alone. Of course by the cruel twists of fate, I drove by Rachel on the way back to my place, it was the first time I'd seen her in person in 2 months. I hope she didn't see me because I looked awful. My brother said he saw her at Tom Thumb a few weeks ago and I thought to myself "why don't I ever run into her?" but then I thought what would I say if I saw her? I know one thing, I couldn't be as cool as Cory was when he saw Carol for the first time last week. He looked so composed despite all she did to him and she looked like she was on the verge of crying. Well I take that back, I could be that cool but inside my insides would self destructing. I thought getting laid would get me over her, guess not.

Anyways, I gotta head off to work. Seems like I live there lately. My new schedule is Monday night (floor), Tuesday night (bar), Wednesday night (floor), Friday night (floor), some saturday nights in the bar when FCD isn't playing here and every other Sunday morning in the bar. I like the bar, its a lot of work but the pay is better and its much more laid back. Plus the whole thing of being able to say you're the bartender sounds so much better than being a server. I'm not gonna have another day off until a week from tomorrow now that i picked up for Braz tomorrow morning. Oh well I need the money. Its funny, if back in April or whenever I planned my chicago trip someone told me that I wouldn't be going, I would lose Rachel and $500 in the process and be working that whole time I would have been in the Windy city I would have told them they were nuts. Funny how things change.

Currently Listening 40 Oz. to Freedom By Sublime see related

Now I'm Recovering...

I just kinda feel like writing a little and getting a few things off my chest. I'm kinda frustrated right now, I hate to say it but I'm kinda dependent on a female companion to make the day just that much more brighter. No one in particular, no one high maintainence, just someone to chill with. And while I have a few prospects, conflicting work schedules and such make it hard. So here I am, lonely again. I mean its not all bad, you know when you're in a bad relationship and you think "gah it'd be nice to be free and just do whatever the fuck I want" but you always forget when that person who was a pain in your ass is gone, you're alone. Its funny how us as human beings are so scared of being alone and lonely. Well I wouldn't go so far as to say all of us but most. Thats where I find myself with Rachel. Its been officially 3 weeks since I've seen or talked to her. God it feels like an etternity. I mean its been nice and stress free since she's been gone, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss her. I'm also kinda bumbed that despite my best efforts she didn't bother to try and get together with me one last time to talk about all of this to at least end it like adults. I often wonder if she ever thinks about me or misses me, probably, I mean she has to right after all the things she said? Fuck if I know, I just know that its funny how fast things can change.

But moving on, I'm honestly over her for the most part, its just when I'm by myself that I think about her and wonder what she's doing. I actually went on a date with another girl on Tuesday night. This girl named Lauren who I met down in College Station, the one time I made the trek down there with Cory. She's gorgeous, and she's got a great family, and she's really smart and definetly my type but in the end she's moving back down there when school starts, so its kinda like whats the point? Ya know? Meah. Anyways, I gotta go get in the shower, about to go out so I gotta get all fresh and clean. I'll update later with my rant on my soccer team.

Lying is the biggest thrill a girl can get without taking her clothes off...

I'm out of the Chicago trip, I'm about to call Orbitz and get as much money back as possible. I'm probably going to lose $500 in the process though. I just ran out of options, Cory can't buy his own plane ticket because its way too much now. I can't get another girl a fake ID to pass off as Rachel because if I get caught I will likely have the Government spying on me and my family for the rest of our lives, especailly since I'm half Persian. So I decided to take the $700 back and learn the hard way. But hey look on the bright side, if Brazil win the World Cup (which they are favorites of doing), I will win $1000 at our pool at work. So that'll be $1700, 500 richer than I was before this whole debacle.

Oh no! I have to cheer for Brazil! This summer went from nirvana to partial suckage.

 I hate life.